[10] I am so sorry I am British...

The other day I read a brilliant blog, about why America is better than Britain.
I don't disagree.

But I felt the argument was slightly flawed. Only slightly mind you.

You see, it went like this...

"Well fuck England. If you know me you know I hate anything British. The accents and spelling mainly... England sucks. Oh the spelling. SO not right. Apologize, Realize. Color, Humor. Oh the slang they use. the "insults" and such. "cor blimey" is one of my favorites. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? or "sod" wtf? I also tend to hate when the call things by names I don't use. Ex. Petrol. What the shit? It's called gasoline. Thanks.

I hate British people. Because I do. I also hate Canada, but lots of people do as well. Maybe I have no actual "reason" to hate England, it's just how I feel (it's really a combo of that annoying fuckin' accent and ridiculous spelling) but there are plenty of people that hate me because I'm an American.

America is better than England for two simple facts:
1. We have more money than you do.
2. We kicked your ass during something called the American Revolution(ary War).

But we are also better than Australia because... Well we have more money and power. And America is the best. the end."

EXCELLENT points. EXCELLENT! ;D
Not that I will be able to do them justice as I am but a second class citizen of the globe, what, with my silly British status and everything.
I should be taken off and thrown into the Boston Harbour with all our rotton tea.

Infact, she has made me quite ashamed to be English.

I mean, how dare the English exercise their language as was first intended, yo!!
The English totally oughta move with the times and rip off some other countries dialect, remembering to drop random vowels in latinate words, then have the audacity to act like it was our own!
WHY didn't we think of this before? CLEARLY because we are such a shit nation.

And dudes, much respect to America on the Revolutionary Wars: As it seems ever so relevant to still rely on ancient battles as proof of greatness. You guys rocked, yo!!! Loving your work at Saratoga!! Beautiful :)
Taught us silly imperialists a thing or two!!

Though I had NO idea that winning wars made a country "better". How uneducated was I!?

Under such a notion, you'd surely have to consider Vietnam as a "better" country than the USA?
Gosh, her entry has pointed me in the direction of the TRUE global hierarchy. Us measly brits and silly aussies on the bottom, americans in the middle, and wonderful Vietnam at the top!!
Iraq are also doing pretty well in their war over there, I hear. This must make Iraq one of the BEST countries in the whole wide world. I think I'm gonna move me there ASAP!! Don't want to be caught up in the rush. ;)

I also like her idea that having more money makes you 'better.' Why, My family are very well off indeed. I must be one of the BEST people I know!!! Well, screw me sideways.

If it wasn't for her wonderful entry, I'd have had NO idea of these facts whatsoever. I am so glad I have been informed of them. :D

& Gosh, she is such an expert on the UK, she must have spent sooooo much time here!! She can't possibly be one of those silly untravelled ravers who have never been within a thousand miles of it?
Though being not of my race of dirty blooded brits, I hope she understands Sarcasm. :-/

God, I should go to bed. Night night dudes! Loki xxx

EDIT: And dudes, just incase anyone misunderstood: (not that anyone should... it's not hard to understand! lol) This entry is not Anti-American at all. I love America, I have spent a great deal of time there, and have many fond memories of the country and its people. This entry is just Anti-Stupid and Anti-xenophobia!! ;D I just hope I have pointed out how her arguments make NO sense at all.

[9] 'Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit. '

Today I played the part of "The annoying boy in the library" to perfection. I munched on a huuuuge bag of crisps chips very loudly, slurped from my can, texted my friends on my phone, swung back in my chair, and was a general all-round nuisance.

I guess it started because someone was in MY seat. You see, I have a specific seat I like to sit in everytime I go to the library (which isn't very often, mind you, but still!)
I like to sit in the seat on the top floor, in the furthest corner. It's as far from the entrance, and general civilisation as you can get. Other people usually prefer to sit on a lower floor, or somewhere closer to the door. But not today. There was a woman sat there!!! In MY seat! The whore.

So I decided to sit near her, and be a complete pain in the arse, in hope that she would move, so I could get my seat back.

She lasted 30 minutes.

The moment she left, I reclaimed my seat and started doing some work.
I totally psyched her out!!

I worked on my dissertation for 4 hours, until I got kicked out when the library closed at half 4.
I can't wait until this dissertation is over. It's barely started at the moment. In the beginning it started out as looking at death in the stories of Oscar Wilde. (Lovely stuff, yo!) But there's so much to talk about it looks like I'm going to have to restrict it to 'Death as a moralist in Wilde's stories for children.'
It's going to be a loooooong three weeks.

*

Anyway, I just got back to the flat, and made a nice cup of tea. But alas! I have run out of sugar!! And it is IMPOSSIBLE to drink tea without at least 2 spoons of sugar.
So I decided to rummage through my flatmates cupboards to find some.

However, I had to pour my cup of tea away, as I have NINE flatmates, and it turns out that not one of them is in possession of any sugar. WHAT kind of people am I living with?!

Maybe it's because 6 of my flatmates are still home for easter. Maybe they cleared their cupboards before leaving? Or maybe they're just a load of over-healthy twats? Knobs!

Talking about being healthy, I think I deserve a Mcdonald's later, for my four hours of dissertating today (is that even a word!?). And maybe even a bottle of wine?

When studying Oscar Wilde, it is implicit that one must be a decadent hedonist too! It would be an insult to his memory to act otherwise.
At least that is my excuse. ;D

Loki xxx

[8] The lost cause

I was just at the supermarket, buying some food for dinner. But, "Gosh!" I thought, "I have washing-up to do when I get home."

So do you know what I did?

Yep. I went and bought some NEW plates, to save me having to wash any old ones. I can't believe I never thought of this before!. Genius, yo!
I am the laziest whore in all existance. Beat that! ;D

Anyway, moving on! I am quite excited, as there is a documentary about to come on channel 4 called "Sleeping with my Sister."

It is described in the TV guide as being "filmed over nine months, following the lives of two half-sibling couples, whose incestuous relationships began after reuniting as adults." QUALITY viewing.

I just love a good C4 documentary!! I might have to write an entry on my favourite ones. They include a programme about women who lost their virginities to their dogs, a show about a man who married his horse, a documentary about a hotel run by kids with severe learning difficulties, the legendary "virgin school"... and woah, I could go on all day! ;D I just LOVE interesting people. Probably a bit too much. :-/

So yeah, I hope you guys are having an equally as lazy, incest-filled evening! Ciao for now, Loki xxx

[7] My-awkward-Old-Lady-Moment

This is taken from my other Journal, dated September 23rd 2007

ANY movie that involves brief glimpses of Keira Knightley's nipples sounds good to me. Which is why I agreed to join my friend Scott and his grandma, for a trip to the cinema movie theatre today to watch Atonement.

Scott is really close to his Grandmas. I've met them both, and woah! - They are two very different people. There's Nanna Peg who drinks vodka for breakfast and corrupts young french boys on her holidays. And there's Nanna Rose, who is the dearest, sweetest little old lady you ever saw. Nanna Rose was the one accompanying us today.

She was on top form this afternoon, bombarding us with old-lady sweets, saying things like, "Gosh dearies, take your jackets off! Else you won't feel the benefit when you go outside!" and handing out cans of Ginger Beer like there's no tomorrow. (Who the fuck knew they still sold that stuff? I thought it only existed in Enid Blyton!) Classic dear old lady stuff.

So imagine my shock when not far into the movie, the word "CUNT" appears on the screen. CUNT. I'm sat there next to an 80 year old lady, and the most offensive word in the english language is glaring down at us. Can we say AWKWARD moment!?
You see, without giving too much away, - there's a bit in the movie, where the lead guy writes a note to the object of his affection saying, "In my dreams I kiss your cunt." And there it was, scrawled across the screen for Nanna Rose to view!!

I did NOT know where to look.

I was mortified, too paralysed to even breathe. Scott, who'd obviously thought "ooo a nice film about the 1930's, That's perfect for grandma!" was painfully cringing in his chair. I could see him out of the corner of my eye wanting to crawl into the crevice at the back of his seat and DIE. Fuck, we'd thought brought his grandma to a film involving sex, and CUNT. We'd subjected her to things she shouldn't know exist!! We were going to be responsible for giving her heart failure. We were bad people!

So imagine our distress when sensing our embaressment, Nanna Rose simply turns to us and casually exclaims, "Ooo It's been a long time since I got a note like that."

It echoed. And echoed. And echoed around the movie theatre. And I died. And died. And died.

I dont think I'll ever get over it. I am scarred for life dudes!! That is the last time I go anywhere with an 80 year old.

Anyway, THAT is My-awkward-old-lady-moment. LET'S HEAR YOURS!!!!! HAHAHA! :D

x x x

[6] I've come to realise that...

Just thought I'd post this survey as it is getting late and I have nothing better to do! ;D



1.I've come to realize that my butt: will inevitably start to sag someday :(



2. I've come to realize that when I talk:
I find it hard to stop...


3. I've come to realize that, if I love someone: I stalk them until they give in.



4. I've come to realize that, I need: alcohol to get me through the day.



5. I've come to realize that my life: isn't quite as good as the lives on TV.



6. I've come to realize that, I hate it when: PEOPLE DON'T INDICATE WHEN THEY ARE FUCKING DRIVING!!



7. I've come to realize that, if I'm drunk: I dance like my dad.



8. I've come to realize that, marriage is: for old people!!



9. I've come to realize that my faults: are amusing to Bloop.




10. I've come to realize that, I'll always be: a bit shorter than I'd like to be.



11. I've come to realize that, I have a crush on: Anything that moves. WHY HAVEN'T MY HORMONES SETTLED DOWN YET!?



12. I've come to realize that, the last time I cried was: ... non-existant!! Big Strong men like me don't cry, yo!! ;)



13. I've come to realize that, my cell phone is: in need of a new ringtone. Having, "I'm bringing SEXY BACK" echoing from my ass at a bus stop is SO embarassing.




14. I've come to realize that, when I wake up in the morning: I am not actually alive, but in some ugly death-like-limbo, and have no IQ.



15. I've come to realize that, before I go to sleep at night:
I think too much about naked ladies.



16. I've come to realize that, right now I am thinking about:
Why the fuck I admitted to bloop that 'sexyback' is my ringtone!?



17. I've come to realize that, babies are:
the best contraceptive device ever. The simple sight of a whiny, mucky baby makes me wish to never have sex again. Just incase!!



18. I've come to realize that, when I get on Myspace:
I whore myself out to all and sundrie. And get sad when nobody seems to notice!


19. I've come to realize that, today:
is another chance to be an over-dramatic nuisance ;D



20. I've come to realize that, tonight I will:
TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!! Failing that? Tonight I will... be the epitome of procrastination, lazyness and mindless-self-indulgence.



21. I've come to realize that, tomorrow I will:
repeat the cycle.



22. I've come to realize that, I want to:
Break Free. Freddie Mercury style, yo!



23. I've come to realize that, the last txt msg i sent was:
a silly, "night night baby, love you lots, cant wait to see you again, mwah mwah mwah xxxxxxxxxxxxx" ensemble.




24. I've come to realize that the last person that called me was:
my grandma. To tell me about her night at a bar "with queers in it!" . "THANKS FOR THAT, NAN!!"



25. I've come to realize that the last txt msg I recieved was:
from my very sleep girlfriend, probably wishing I'd just shut up already and let her go to bed.



26. I've come to realize that I most regret:
that time I went to school ... commando.


27. I've come to realize that my parents:
were experimenting on me. As their eldest child.



28. I've come to realize that I miss:
being able to get away with wearing dungarees. They were the daaaays.



29. I've come to realize that I am:
best served NUDE. ;D



30. I've come to realize that, the person who is most likely to repost this:
will make a better job of it than I did.

[5] Wine is bottled poetry...

I answered my phone earlier. It was my dad, all "Hey Ry! I'm at the garage. Could you swing by to pick me up in 10/15 minutes?"
But I had a rather sad confession to make. "Umm... I would... but I can't. I've been drinking."
"RYAN!!? IT'S NOT EVEN LUNCHTIME!!"

I wasn't drunk at twenty to twelve this morning, I swear!! So don't assume such things!! (haha!) I was just very aware that my capacities to drive a car would be very much tested by the four glasses of wine already in my system.

I think I'm addicted to cheap wines. Sweet, Sparkling cheap wines. Oh dear. Has my life really got this desperate!? Why can't I be addicted to something glamourous, like champagne!?

I am obsessed with Asti Spumante and Moscato Spumante, Prosseco, and I will even resort to drinking Lambrini and Babycham if needs be, goddamit!!

I've got to have a few glasses in the evening. And some mornings too - to help me wake up. And ofcourse late at night to help me sleep. :-/


Many a day you will find me frantically searching the aisle's of tesco for a bottle, wielding my ID over my head in a furtive attempt to show the masses I am infact over 18.
I am Tesco's bitch.

This is tragic. I mean, I never thought aged twenty-two, I'd be a raving WINO. This is not how I'd planned my life to be. Surely the next step involves me sat on a park bench somewhere, shouting at passers by and pigeons, a wine bottle concealed in a brown bag in my hands, and a great big drity beard on my face.

Then again, it could be worst. I could be addicted to Cider. That would just be chav.

*


Loki xxx

[4] The Perfect Man...

*

This is just for fun dudes! I found an awesome article HERE, about the features and traits that apparantly make "The Perfect Man."
I also read about it in The Sun, a few days ago (NOT that someone of my calibre reads that kind of paper... Noooo....!! Haha)

I've posted it below to see where I match up.
The article itself is in bold, and my thoughts are in regular font.

What makes the Perfect Man?
"HE should be clean-shaven, good-looking and drive a silver Mercedes. (gosh! I'm always presentably baby-faced. I look too Slavic with stubble! And errr...I drive a mercedes car that is SILVER! That is totally the same thing.) And, most important of all, he should be more than 178cm. (What's that? Like, 5'8"? Gosh! I am 5'10"! That is a whole 2" to spare and enjoy there ladies!!)
With blue eyes, short dark-brown hair and medium build. (That's ME dudes!)
Height is apparently more important than looks to women looking for Mr Right, a survey claims.

Looks aside, the perfect partner must also love pets (HATE smelly horrible animals... but like cats! That totally counts! Cat guys are hot, yo!) and appreciate fine wine, (WHY stop at the 'fine' ones? I appreciate ALL wines!! Though I might be confusing "ABUSE" and "appreciate" here :-/), theatre, (Wow, musicals totally count as 'theatre' dudes!) and nice restaurants. (Mcdonalds is TOTALLY nice!) Coupled with this he should have a "wacky" sense of humour, (WACKY is certainly one way to describe my humour :-/) according to the study of 40,000 women by UKdating.com. Errr hangon... I'm not sure I want the desperados of Ukdating.com to be my target audience! HELP!?

Mr Right wears smart jeans and a T-shirt, (That is like, my standard uniform, right there! Jeans and a tee!) weighs exactly 80.5kg (I weigh like... somewhere around that!! I MUST be Mr.Perfect, yo!) and is a doctor or lawyer who owns a home in a good location. (I'm working on it OK!?)

He has had three serious relationships, (I have had exactly THREE serious relationships!)no more than six sexual partners, (I'm such a good boy, I've only had four! Room to slot one or two more in then! ;D) has never been married and doesn't have children. (Bugger. That does put a damper on things. But wait... "children" is plural. I have A child, just the one, totally singular. It doesnt say anything about having a "child," just "children" meaning more than one. Hell yeah, I'm back in the game!! ) ."

*

I sent the article to Dani and told her all about how happy she should be that she has snagged herself THE PERFECT MAN.
But she pointed out that the perfect man would not be an arrogant knobhead. Burn.
So that's me out of the runnings.

Bugger.

Loki xxx